Keeping The Memories
by LukoTaika
Summary: Leonardo copes with memories that he cannot forget. No matter how much he wants to.


**This is a fairly pointless oneshot that I had the idea for last week but and finally got to type it down today. It's in second-person point of view and like I said, it's pointless, but I hope someone enjoys it. R&R Please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT. I do, however, own a lot (and I mean _a lot_) of their stuff.**

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You don't always remember what your brothers want you to. Like that time (_Times) _that Mikey got so hurt during a battle that he couldn't walk for days. The awful guilt, the demented pacing, the silent self-scolding, the angry tossing in the night, the searing feelings, begging yourself to do (_be_) better; you remember it all, and almost every day at training, you make sure that Mikey never forgets. _("Train harder. Move quicker, quicker!" You tell him, and you know that it hurts but it's just the pain that your little brother will have to take. You can't stand the thought of almost losing him again.)_

You don't mean to remember. Some nights, you lie in bed and wonder why you do; why you just need to record every bit of the pain and conflict. Splinter tells you that it's just the leader's instinct, and from this you wonder if he has ever faced the same questions, the same guilt, the same helpless whispers that every night seep into the dark corners of evening then spread across the walls of day. You never ask. He never tells.

But you wish that you could forget. You're not the only one that the memories are hurting.

You know that Donny can see when the memories of the past take over. The way he sets his shoulders when you yourself get tense from the angry images that flow like dark, heavy blood from a fresh wound; the dark look in his eyes when Raph suddenly trains harder than usual, like it's a bad thing that your red-banded brother is actually concentrating; the way he just barely (_barely, as if he doesn't want to be seen_) drops his head in untold exhaustion when you scold Mikey for being immature during training (_because sometimes, when he's hurting, he gets too mature)_; you see it all.

You remember it all, too.

You remember every word that Raph says about being too controlling, too proud, too pushy, too _leader-like_ for your own good_, _and then you keep them, little voices in your head, until the "refuge" of your bed envelopes you and replaying the voices is all there is left to do, because sleep you know will not come soon. There, in the blanket of darkness, you whisper back to them everything you can think of to make things right, letting your words seep into the black corners like they do every night, hoping for a better tomorrow.

You remember that someday, you will have to run out of tomorrows. And every night, lying in your today, you pray that this won't be the last one.

You wonder what Splinter does when his memories take over. (_They must, for he is older than you and your brothers and, in his own way, a leader, too._) You think that maybe that's why he constantly meditates, to clear his mind and put himself at ease before the chaos of the family cuts an angry gash in his peace like a your own katanas through silk. It is another thing that you wish to ask him about. You realize that his counsel is one of the few things that you don't mind remembering. After this realization, you often ask yourself why you don't ask him for it more often.

There are a lot of things that you want to forget, and you realize this more and more with every passing day. There are those moments at night when you stand on a skyscraper that punctures a hole in the atmosphere and lets you out into the open space where floating away seems like the right thing to do – moments of peace, you realize – and all you want is a shooting star so you can wish the dark memories away. Moments of peace do not grant you respite from what lies in your mind, and with this knowledge every new day becomes a fight against the demons you know you cannot completely get rid of.

But just knowing you cannot get rid of them doesn't make them welcome, doesn't mean that you don't still _try_.

Splinter tells you it's just the leader's instinct. Mikey tells you that it's alright, he'll try harder. Donny says nothing with his lips, but his eyes (_those eyes you can never escape; there are four pairs of them that surround you_), they say all you need to hear. Raph tells you that you need a break, he needs a break, you all need a break. You tell yourself they're all right, and you'll try to forget.

Your heart, on the other hand, tells you never to forget. It tells you that if you do, it will all happen again; all the pain, all the hurt, all the tears; it will all come back if you forget, if you let it go and not remember, if you let the memories fade, and you really don't want to believe it but you know that your heart has never been wrong before.

And you hate how that one part overrules what everyone else has told you, because those memories, those little glimpses of the past, have made you who you are today.

You are the protector. You are the leader. You are the older brother. You are Hamato Leonardo. And you cannot – under any circumstances, no matter just how _badly_ you want to – forget.

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_The End_


End file.
